Kevin Markham on 8 Naff Golf Cliches~
8 Naff Golf Cliches
Copyright © Kevin Markham. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
GOLF HAS MORE CLICHES THAN YOU can shake a stick at. Some are naff, some are incredibly naff. Here are my top eight.
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Beware if all 14 see action. (Kevin Markham) |
1. You’ll use every club in the bag.
Used to describe a golf course. If you’re rubbish then yes, you’ll probably use every club in your bag … and a shovel. If you’re any good, you will be too focused to notice.
Naffness: 9/10
2. I left a few putts out there.
Ah, no you didn’t. You finished every hole and you’re standing here with a golf ball in your hand. Where did you leave the putts would you mind telling me?
Naffness: 7/10
3. Overall, I’m very happy with the way I played.
“Overall” is it! In other words, you’re about to gripe about a couple of missed putts or a tree that jumped into the fairway … which prevented you from, what, breaking 60?
Naffness: 6/10
4. I just wasn’t able to play my game today.
Seriously! And whose game were you playing exactly!
Naffness: 7/10
5. It’s on the dance floor.
No it’s not. If it’s on the ‘dance floor’ then you’re in serious trouble and you’ll be paying damages for the broken window.
Naffness: 7/10
6. Shaved the hole.
I’m not even going to go there. If you call missing the hole by six inches ‘shaving’ then you need glasses and a better barber.
Naffness: 9/10
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90% air? (Kevin Markham) |
7. Trees are 90% air.
You know and I know that if the ball’s heading for a tree then it’s hitting woodwork. Maybe it’s Murphy’s Law, Sod’s Law or Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, but trees were designed to be hazards on a golf course and they’re damn good at doing their job. 90% air, my arse.
Naffness: 10/10
8. Keep your head down. You lifted your head.
The king of erroneous advice. It’s the fallback, isn’t it? Somebody fluffs a shot and someone else quips: ‘you lifted your head’. I guess my response to that is: for exactly how long do you want me to keep my head down? Surely I have to come up for air sometime. Never give advice. Ever. Or someone else might start giving it to you.
Naffness: 9/10
Your turn. What are your best or worst golf cliches?